Pass the Lo Mein

“I think I’ll leave it.”

I’ve said that to myself three times today, and all three times I recognized that it was my grief speaking and surrendered to my heartache.

“I have seen too much sorrow to be ashamed of tears.” -Elizabeth Hamilton

I am not overwhelmed by that mess. I WANT that mess.

I want it to stay.

This year is the first year Shaun and I are child “free” for Thanksgiving.

We knew this was coming. We knew months ago.

I usually host/co-host. 

I usually love this.

I ignored the whole thought of it, really, this year.

All day yesterday I put my rose-colored shades on, and Shaun and I planned out our solo Thanksgiving.

We are doing it “A Christmas Story” style and getting Chinese.

You can’t stop us! Let us wallow in our lo mein, please. 🤪

One of the darkest creatures that people do not consider when they want a divorce

is this part…

I can get over not serving my grandmother’s famous punch or having my table full of the laughter of loved ones and full bellies from food we have prepared.

I can get over all the traditions with our children and family not being fulfilled this week. It hurts. but I can get past it.

My struggle and uphill climb? The thing im fighting with all my strength to overcome? 

 The whispers of my little girls last night. Their confusion. Their fracture. Their pain. All THREE of them, I might add…

One of them said right before bed:

“Mommy, it’s not that I don’t want to see Dad. I just don’t want to ever leave you. I want to spend Thanksgiving at home with you.”

It feels like a grave has been dug inside my heart. Every time they plead for help from me and I’m powerless to do anything about it.

The frequency in which I hear them say, “Mommy, I miss you,” while they are standing right next to me…

THOSE WORDS collapse my structured walls and bury the core of me.

Motherhood.

Because I KNOW they are anticipating being apart and they don’t want to be.

Nothing in this world is strong enough to describe our bond.

All my words would fall short trying to compare it to something tangible.

God must have split my whole soul in half twice when they began to exist inside of me.

That’s why I’d sacrifice my life for them.

And why divorce will always be an internal struggle for me.

I hold a strong duality in my mind, heart, and spirit for divorce.

I KNOW it is necessary at times. I also know that sometimes it’s not.

I ask myself this while I sit here crying over their toys scattered on the floor.

At their absence.

Is this really better?

Than it was? Yes.

It absolutely is.

Are there also new wounds and pain involved that I now navigate with my children?

Yes.

I think in my situation, this pain is better.

I think giving up this holiday is hard, but it is better than what would’ve been.

(Also take notes: I gave this year up for him because he rarely gets holidays off with them. It is technically my year with them.)

The redemption in my pain now and theirs later is this…

I’d rather miss them on special days.

I’d rather my heart break over and over.

If that means the majority of the time…They get to grow up seeing their mother married to a man who calls her “beautiful,” kisses and hugs her daily, fights fair, and partners alongside her…

In place of them growing up watching someone abuse me.

I hate divorce.

Divorce also saved me and my children’s lives.

I hate not having them with me 24/7.

AND them seeing me be treated like a person with value. All of us being loved and respected in the time we do have together is better.

When I get overwhelmed with grief and sorrow.

When I miss them even when they are standing right beside me…

God shows me and will show them in time,

that our emotional pain is preferable to the harm that was.

And the forced separation is preferable to them witnessing abuse.

That is redemption.

I contemplated letting that mess sit through the weekend.

But that mess doesn’t get cleaned for me. It gets cleaned for the little girls whose faces will light up when they come home to order and warmth again. They will expect their Christmas village under the tree on Friday. And I intend to deliver it for them to dismantle again. Lol

I can’t wait to see their beautiful faces.

Every moment…

I’d gladly take and cherish them all.

Anyway, excuse me now.

I have some tears to wipe and toys to go clean up.

With hope and sorrow,

-Maria Von Lint Trap